Hello Alex,
Where to begin?
I want to be happy for you, Alex. But the attitude you conveyed to me, and the lack of communication from you have left my heart empty and unable to give you the response you probably thought you would get from me when you announced your plan to legally become a married person on September 4.
Asking Jennifer and Becky to keep the secret about your civil union was unfair to them. Both of them had to skirt the issue and boldface lie to us. Shame on you for putting them in that position! This was also terribly unjust to your Dad!! Your Dad who has dropped everything for you countless times! Who has BEEN THERE FOR YOU! And you leave him as the LAST to know about this ‘important event’?! Shame on you!!
Bottom line: If you really wanted certain people at this event, and there are only a few you wanted there, you should have had the respect to call those people ahead of time and find a date that worked for those few people. Otherwise, it is rude, selfish and thoughtless to expect people to change their plans because you want to do this legal thing on a day when folks already had set plans.
IF, from what I am told, you chose this date because of wanting insurance coverage for Sheila, then what is your hesitation? Do it now…. Since she probably needs the coverage now. That leads me to the ‘news’ that Sheila got a new job a couple weeks ago. Funny; no one told us about that event. Gee, didn’t you think for even a second that maybe YOUR family would like to hear about that news? So, the “insurance” reasoning is not a reason at all, because if it were, you would have already done the deed.
IF, on the other hand, this is about having an intimate civil ceremony wherein you want key people to be present, then you should have and could have TALKED to those few people and set up a time that would have been more ‘doable’, especially since you KNEW we were going to be out of state Sept 4-7.
The day after you gave the ring to Sheila, you made a big deal about wanting Becky to perform the ceremony. Becky had written to you giving you her guidelines and asking you for a date. Suddenly, Sheila needs insurance, and the big “SHOW” of wanting Becky to perform your wedding ceremony went out the window.
The fact is, Alex, we had made our plans to meet up with friends in the Upper Peninsula MONTHS before you ever came up the idea of signing legal documents on September 4. Our friends are driving all the way from Superior, WI, for just that Saturday and Sunday… they do NOT live in St. Ignace! Our friends and we had shared with each other our plans to be in approximately the same location at the same time, so decided to meet up and enjoy at least part of a day or two together. Unless we go up on Saturday (it is a 7 ½ hour drive from our house, plus we lose an hour once we pass Escanaba, MI, so you may as well say it is an 8 ½ hour drive)… plus stops for food and gas. So, if we don’t’ leave the Valley till late on Saturday, we won’t see our friends at all… and I haven’t seen them in over 2 years, so this would be a great loss to me!
Now, you may be asking, what about not being there for your wedding? Alex, you made a point of saying to me SEVERAL TIMES on the phone Monday evening that “it’s okay if you don’t come… that won’t matter”. Ouch! That hurt!! And the more I thought about your cocky response to me, the more it hurt, Alex. You made it very clear to me that you didn’t care if I were there or not; that my presence did not matter to you. You also KNEW beforehand that we had plans for that weekend… (I read the email your Dad sent to you earlier this month).
On top of that, you said that only “close FAMILY” was being included….. NOT STEP SIBLINGS! Well, technically I am a “step”, too, and after your rudeness and disrespect shown to me Monday evening, Alex, it became quite clear that you do not consider me or my children to be “family” to you. I am shocked, hurt and very disappointed, Alex. You spoke of tears you shed. Well, Alex, I have shed plenty this week… but do not have my husband’s shoulder to cry on, nor does he have mine.
Frankly, it boggles my mind that you would not have chosen a different date or at least an earlier time, so as to perhaps accommodate your entire family…or at least most of it. But, then, if you do not consider Becky, Mark, Erik, Owen, Jon and me to be ‘family’, then I guess you will have those you call “family” with you on your chosen date.
When your Dad called me Tuesday evening, and I gave him your news, he was totally stunned! He sounded so terribly sad! I know he had visions of having a real celebration with you, which would include our whole family, and your Dad’s brothers and their wives, as well as cousins. He also was hoping and expecting to have the spiritual element in your marriage via Becky. He has been let down, and it hurts me when he hurts emotionally. At first I had even considered offering to add a spiritual element to your day for you, but since you know my background and could have asked, but didn’t, plus you and Sheila do not appear to embrace a spiritual life, it would be a moot point.
Regarding “family” and shared time together. Since you started seeing Sheila, you have not spent even one actual holiday with us. You have, in reality, spent the actual holidays (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter) with Sheila’s family… every one of them.
Here is a fact that may or may not surprise you: Becky has included us in MANY holidays, but she has also stated, and rightfully so, that it is not up to HER to include us in EVERY holiday “since there ARE 4 other children who can and should take turns including you, Mom and George”. And we have even INVITED YOU TO JOIN US FOR HOLIDAYS, but again and again you have told us that “Sheila’s family ALWAYS gets together on Christmas Eve and Christmas day!”, etc. So, I guess that leaves us out of the picture then, doesn’t it! How can the Bamman family even HAVE any ‘traditions’ when repeatedly we are not allowed to have that time together??! Funny…. Except for Jon including us on some Christmas holidays, and Becky including us in some holidays, plus our having Becky and Jon here for Thanksgiving, you and your siblings have NOT included us for an actual holiday nor have you bothered to come down here for any of them.
So here is the reality: Your Dad and I have ended up spending Christmas Eve and Easters as just the two of us. And NOT by our own volition… but because none of you included us or accepted our invitation to come down here for a celebration.
Think about it: When was the last time you even saw our Christmas tree on Christmas??!?! I can tell you! It was 6 years ago when we lived in Portage!!!
Granted, we do go to church on Christmas and Easter… because they ARE religious holidays. Would it kill you and your siblings to actually go to church with your Dad on either of those holidays?! I have told you and your siblings over and over again that if you want to give your Dad a true GIFT for Christmas or Easter, GO TO CHURCH WITH HIM ON CHRISTMAS EVE or EASTER!! You have NO idea how happy that would make your Dad!!! It would be like winning a million dollars!! Yet, all of you have ignored that request completely. We are not asking you to join his church; we are merely asking you to show him love and respect by being with him at worship on those days that mean so much to him!
But, oh boy, you can go and spend several days with Sheila’s family for all holidays, and party hearty, and not even give your Dad so much as a thought.
In addition, you have “talked” about going fishing with your Dad this summer (and last summer, etc). We even invited you to join us on opening weekend up north. Sure, you drove up for supper…. But you did not stay to spend the night and go fishing with us the next day. BUT, you have repeatedly gone fishing with Sheila’s stepdad, Ken. Talk about hurting your Dad!!! Has it dawned on you at all that your Dad has yearned to go fishing with you!?!?! Have you not gotten the message at all!?!? Would it have killed you to call your Dad ahead of time and arrange to go fishing together on a Saturday?!
This year you told us you would be spending AirVenture weekend camping with us. Your Dad COUNTED on that time with you. Instead, you gave him a few hours on one day. Once again, he was disappointed? He probably wouldn’t tell you that to your face; I sure wish he would! But BOY, do I hear about his pain when he has been hurt either by actions or omission of communication from you kids.
Alex, I thought you and I had come a long way over the last decade. I have loved you as though you were my own flesh and blood. But over the past few years, and especially since Monday I feel like you and I do not have a relationship at all! For YEARS now I have talked about you 3 Bamman kids to my friends as “MY kids!”.. NOT “stepkids”! It pains me greatly that you don’t care about me as you used to say you did.
As far as your marriage and wedded life together, I do wish you and Sheila much happiness. I sincerely do!
I have to go… the tears are flowing again.
Lu
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